Coffee Talk #219: Don’t Make Assumptions

Grab your cup & let’s chat.

If we were having coffee together today, I’d tell you that we’re diving into the Third Agreement in The Four Agreements. We started with Be Impeccable with your Word, moved to Don’t Take Anything Personally, and now we’re here:

Don’t Make Assumptions

These agreements build upon each other. You have to start with being impeccable to your word to recognize and understand not to take things personally, and you have to stop thinking everything is about you in order not to make assumptions. We’re building our way toward personal freedom.

Growing up, did you hear this phrase? “When you assume, you make an ass out of u and me. Have you heard it? Have you said it? Do you believe it?

I do.

There’s literally nothing worse than making assumptions. Assumptions bring out the worst in us. The problem with making assumptions is that we believe them to be TRUE. In our heart of hearts, we fully plant these elaborate and poisonous ideas into our heads, and even worse, into the heads of others. We make assumptions based on our own beliefs, without even consulting the other person/s in question. When we make an assumption, we take it personally, create bad blood, and create drama.

It’s time to let go of the drama. ASK THE QUESTIONS. Afraid? Do it anyway. Our own perceptions cloud our judgements. When we assume, we’re pushing our beliefs onto others. We create this list of expectations that no one can fulfill because they are based on a series of assumptions and perceptions that we create in our head. It’s no WONDER that so many friendships and even marriages end… “You should have known.”

No one can EVER know what is in your mind. Ever. Only you can know what is in your mind (and really…I’m a fan of questioning my own beliefs, are they mine or were they put there by mother culture). That we assume our best friend, lover, partner, spouse should know what we need or what we want or what we desire – how ridiculous is that? We have to COMMUNICATE our needs and wants and desires. We have to ASK QUESTIONS even when we feel like we ‘should’ know the answers. Because the alternative to communication is making assumptions, which causes drama and heartache.

Our biggest mistake is making the assumption that others think and feel and see life the same way we do. That’s just not possible. We have a collective set of guidelines or principals, but not everyone believes or even judges the same way we do. For example, we assume that others will deny our requests without even asking the question. Everyone has the right to say no or yes, but you also have the right to ASK the question.

If you don’t understand something, ask the question. Once you ask a question and get the answer, you will know the truth. Your assumptions and perceptions are not truth.

If you’re not sure about something, ask the question. If you’re just sure that the answer will be yes or no, ask the question. Making assumptions feeds the black magic and poison inside us. Making assumptions prevents us from being impeccable with our word. Making assumptions forces us to take things personally.